Are anyone else's feet cold? » Tue, Oct 21st 2008 10:18 pm
For next week, I’ve two essays, a rough draft of a poster, a book cover, a page from said book, and eight detailed tracings due. Oh, and a mid-term exam. This is my life now, and I’m starting to question my path all over again.
Work scares me. It seems that the only jobs I enjoy doing are the ones for which I know I’m already fully qualified. Learning doesn’t scare me, but needing to learn under pressure of a deadline kind of does. Deadlines don’t scare me either, but multiple deadlines do.
Unfortunately, this is school. School isn’t a day-job. It’s a rigorous, unrelenting gauntlet that will take four years of running to get through. At this point, right now, I find myself questioning why I’d even bother. I’m competent enough to get myself into a moderately-well-paying job right now, and with the same four years’ time spent getting actual work experience, it seems almost feasible that I’d be just as well off. I’d have less debt, less stress, more money, and more freedom. I can’t seem to extinguish this fantasy.
Every day, I come home, make and devour dinner as quickly as possible, and then sit down to do homework. I do homework until I go to bed. Then I wake up and go to school to get more homework. My work doesn’t end at 5:00 PM anymore. It won’t for another four years. It’ll end anywhere from 10:00 PM to 3:00 AM and begin again at 8:30 AM sharp. For four years.
This was a choice, though. And I knew it’d be challenging. In fact, the challenge is what I’m here for. But it seems so far that the challenges are not in the actual work, but are rather in getting the work done, regardless of quality. I realise that time-management skills are going to be prerequisite to my success in this thing, but I’m wondering if I couldn’t learn them just as well by working my way up the ranks in the workplace.
Or maybe I’m jumping the gun in assuming that I could even get a job without this degree. Or rather, I may be overlooking how its absence from my résumé may well limit just how far I can work my way up in said ranks. I really have no idea, but I daydream about finding out. I miss working, and working with people. I miss free time, and inventing ways to fill it. I miss pet projects and the joys of seeing them come to life. I miss having money, or at the least the freedom to spend it. I miss being truly and thoroughly bored sometimes. I miss life before school.
I’m driven, however, by one question’s answer: Which will suck more: not going to school and wondering where I’d be if I had, or the next four years of my life as it’s planned so far? I suspect the former, even if the latter will in fact be every bit the hell I imagine.
Feel free to try to change my mind though. I’m begging you…