Oh God Oh God Oh God » Thu, Jun 15th 2006 11:00 am
I’m a self-diagnosed hypochondriac (is there any other kind?) and I’ve gotten myself into the habit of typing my “symptoms” into Google in search of clarification. Usually I end up discovering that I have ‘nothing’, but today it seems all signs point to “Colorectal Cancer”.
You can imagine how this makes me feel. I’ve been fighting these uncomfortable feelings for the last few weeks, thinking they were probably just a result of my doing violent crunches on my bike, but now I have a list of symptoms in front of me describing to a T what’s happening ‘down there’ and I am officially scared shitless.
I’ve got the phone beside me, and I’m trying to get through to my doctor’s office to make an appointment. Seems they aren’t open yet, so I decided to keep my fingers busy by typing this post.
Like millions of others who share my obsession with the slightest perceived physical abnormality, I’m shaking in terror with my life flashing before my eyes. And like most of the population, I’m pretty reluctant to die. Search this site for “death” for more on that.
I’m not sure what to do with myself in the meantime. I mean, there could very well be a cancerous tumour raging through my large intestine, and I’m just sitting here waiting to see my doctor. I’m not really myself, and I’m in a sort of ‘irrational’ state of mind. I find myself wishing things nobody would ever wish upon themselves. That is, I wish right now for me to be bent over on a paper-covered table, with a swab, guided by the skilful hand of my doctor, probing my butt for anything “interesting”. Only then will I be able to rest knowing that if I am ill, the cause is being sought out and may soon be taken care of. Until then, I’ll continue wishing; fingers crossed until my fingernails turn pink to white to purple, while images of my bald, pale, clothed-in-a-hospital-apron self occupy every seat on my train of thought.