There's Life Outside My Bedroom » Wed, Jun 8th 2005 7:55 pm
I’ve been doing my best to attend all the “gatherings” my friends have been having lately, and so far things are good. No crazy migraines during or after my late-night or sun-filled outings, so I’m feeling safer about leaving my house. I still carry my crazy pills with me just in case and I still freak out at any sort of strange spot in my eye or catching a glare on a car, but I think overall I’m getting more and more normal.
Speaking of “normal”, I’m beginning to wish I wasn’t such a shy pansy around women. Not that I lie down and curl up into the fetal position around them, but I do sort of become a different, dumber person.
I’m looking forward to meeting my significant other; hopefully in college (or within that timeframe). I look at other couples and want what they have, but realise I’m very different from those people… There’s the shyness in me; then there’s the rage-filled cynic; and then there’s the migraine-paranoid part; and I’ve begun to notice that I sometimes talk like some kind of arrogant, patronizing ass hat. I’m really not all bad, but I can definitely admit my flaws. (If I’ve missed any, by all means point them out. Make it sting, too.)
My experience with dating is, um, non-existent. I’ve always hated the idea of dating before college (or before my life really took off). I figured any “intimate” relationships I formed before that point were pretty much guaranteed to fail. Now I realise that the experience might have proved valuable.
To elaborate on my last post, the lesson I learn is that I can’t keep obsessing about the “idea” of being with someone and I rarely consider (or I just disregard) whether we’d even be remotely compatible. Usually there’s one small trait (shy, funny, etc.) that I feel we have in common but no, it’s not enough. I think I’m kidding myself if I fall for someone who hasn’t shown any interest in me. In the case of the girl in my last post, that was certainly the case. And yet I keep doing it. I’ve been aware of my pattern since my first crush but I’ll continue it, I’m sure. I doubt if anyone can control it, and I guess I’m disappointed that I’m no different. Despite what I keep telling myself, I still like that girl…
Sorry to bore with what is probably every teen’s life, but again I just wanted to write it out of me.