Writings
There's Life Outside My Bedroom » Wed, Jun 8th 2005 7:55 pm
I’ve been doing my best to attend all the “gatherings” my friends have been having lately, and so far things are good. No crazy migraines during or after my late-night or sun-filled outings, so I’m feeling safer about leaving my house. I still carry my crazy pills with me just in case and I still freak out at any sort of strange spot in my eye or catching a glare on a car, but I think overall I’m getting more and more normal.
Speaking of “normal”, I’m beginning to wish I wasn’t such a shy pansy around women. Not that I lie down and curl up into the fetal position around them, but I do sort of become a different, dumber person.
I’m looking forward to meeting my significant other; hopefully in college (or within that timeframe). I look at other couples and want what they have, but realise I’m very different from those people… There’s the shyness in me; then there’s the rage-filled cynic; and then there’s the migraine-paranoid part; and I’ve begun to notice that I sometimes talk like some kind of arrogant, patronizing ass hat. I’m really not all bad, but I can definitely admit my flaws. (If I’ve missed any, by all means point them out. Make it sting, too.)
My experience with dating is, um, non-existent. I’ve always hated the idea of dating before college (or before my life really took off). I figured any “intimate” relationships I formed before that point were pretty much guaranteed to fail. Now I realise that the experience might have proved valuable.
To elaborate on my last post, the lesson I learn is that I can’t keep obsessing about the “idea” of being with someone and I rarely consider (or I just disregard) whether we’d even be remotely compatible. Usually there’s one small trait (shy, funny, etc.) that I feel we have in common but no, it’s not enough. I think I’m kidding myself if I fall for someone who hasn’t shown any interest in me. In the case of the girl in my last post, that was certainly the case. And yet I keep doing it. I’ve been aware of my pattern since my first crush but I’ll continue it, I’m sure. I doubt if anyone can control it, and I guess I’m disappointed that I’m no different. Despite what I keep telling myself, I still like that girl…
Sorry to bore with what is probably every teen’s life, but again I just wanted to write it out of me.
1 josh on Wed, Jun 8th 2005 8:32 pm
But your rants or at least well formed and well written. Your text flows like a river.
2 Aaron on Wed, Jun 8th 2005 8:33 pm
If that wasn’t sarcastic: Thank you. Heh.
3 Josh on Sat, Jun 11th 2005 6:04 pm
The river comment had some hard core cheese to it, but I must say your writing is enjoyable to read.
4 Tyler on Tue, Jun 21st 2005 1:55 pm
Josh is right. Your writing is quite enjoyable to read. Often I find that I want to comment on your ‘rants’ but I’m not able to find anything to say or argue with or against you because the piece is so complete.
In my vast, umm, six years of puppy love and dating I have gained, what I believe is valuable knowledge of what not to do if you want a relationship to last. Heh. I certainly don’t mean to rip on you by saying this but I think your right. You have missed out on some important knowledge.
Now I’m really curious to whom this crush of your is on and I’m almost positive your not going to give any names. If you want my two cents… go for it! You have more to gain then you do to lose. Relationships are a learning experience.
5 Aaron on Tue, Jun 21st 2005 8:24 pm
“What I lack in experience, I make up for in common sense.”
I put that in quotes so I don’t come across like an ass. I’d like to think I could stay afloat in a relationship. If I say something stupid and it ends the whole relationship, so be it. I don’t want to waste time with someone who can’t forgive a mistake.
I won’t ask this person out or anything because I can see right now that we just don’t have enough in common. If she’s not interested in me, I don’t want to ask her out and try to sell myself to her. You know? I mean if I caught some flirty look in her eyes or something, maybe. But you’ll just have to trust me that my chances with her aren’t just bad, they’re sub-atomic. The idea was nice though. Ha.
PS: I’m sure my ignorance of relationships is far worse than I suspect, but don’t try to prove it to me. Think of the comedy when I start dating!
6 Tyler on Wed, Jun 22nd 2005 2:08 am
I totally agree with what you said about a relationship ending because someone can’t forgive a mistake. I also didn’t mean to make you think you couldn’t stay afloat in a relationship; that’s not for me to say. For all I know you could turn out to be a hit with the ladies.
I, personally, have stopped looking for girls to date. I haven’t had much luck with relationships that I have brought on in the past. So my big plan is to sit back and let someone take notice to me. Whatever, I’m in no hurry.
Again, I didn’t mean to talk you down.
7 Chris on Fri, Jun 24th 2005 11:29 pm
A wierd thing I’ve noticed, is that you can look and look for a girl, and when you finally find one and commit, twelve others make themselves available to you. Now, if somebody would be so kind as to test my theory, just pick up some ogre, and see what happens in the following week or two. It is almost like the single girls can sense that you are no longer single, and it makes them want you. So, here’s the plan: Attract ogre. Commit to ogre. Wait. Notice as several girls approach. Choose one. Ditch ogre.
The last two steps could possibly be switched around.
On a side note, it doesn’t have to be an ogre… but they’d be much easier to score quick, and seeing as how your ditching them anyways….
8 Aaron on Thu, Jun 30th 2005 9:30 am
*smacks forehead*
9 josh on Mon, Jul 4th 2005 8:45 am
All I have to say is “process of elimination” ty.
10 Aaron on Mon, Jul 4th 2005 9:35 am
I think I’m just about over this girl now… Now I’ve a new crush; someone with whom I think I might have more in common. Now it’s not so much that I think she’d say no, but rather that I lack the ability to ask. I guess I’d rather it just “happen”, but then don’t we all? And should it happen, where to from there? Going to the movies for a date seems like a horrible idea. I mean there’s no talking…
God. I’m such a newb.
11 Aaron on Sun, Jul 31st 2005 10:29 am
Believe it or not, I’ve still got the crush on that first girl… Odd that I could flip-flop so quickly. Truthfully though, I was never really “over” the first girl. I was just looking for someone to get my mind off her. Maybe having a new crush would dilute the old one. Apparently not. Try as I might, I can’t convince myself that I have no chance of her ever liking me back.
Reading over this, I noticed I come across like some kind of alien documenting its strange human feelings from within the body of some random teenage male as if it were purely in the interest of science and archival purposes. I guess that’s not terribly far off though, stepping into society at the age of 19. I hope at least someone out there finds it more funny than pathetic. I know I do.
12 Tyler on Tue, Aug 2nd 2005 7:57 pm
Haha. Yeah, I guess I could turn into a “walking penis” eh Josh?
13 Paul D on Sat, Oct 8th 2005 9:42 pm
Don’t know if you want advice, but too bad, I’m giving it to you.
Just ask.
Don’t wait for the perfect moment, don’t run the idea over and over in your head… JUST ASK.
I used to be fairly similar to you.
And then I started asking. And you know what? It’s good. And most importantly, it’s good even when they say no!
Now, why is that?
I think it’s because once you ask, then you know, one way or another. You don’t sit around moping over a girl or anything, but at least you know.
Now, I’m not much of a Casanova or anything, and prior to my current gf I didn’t really any long term relationships. But I did date, and it was good. Because if and when the dating didn’t work out, I had lots of free time to myself, and I didn’t worry about girls during it.
Well, occaisionally you get a bit depressed I guess, but then you realize, who cares, I’m young, I should relax.
14 Aaron on Sat, Oct 8th 2005 10:42 pm
Well I can safely say I’m over this girl now, but now I’ve an entirely new set of problems with my latest…
As f*ed up as it sounds, I’m enjoying it all. I’ve been young and "relaxed" for my entire life and now I’m all about turning over leaves and whatnot.
I think the reason I can’t "just ask" is because I put a TON of thought into my potential girlfriends. I knew in the back of my head that she’d say no, and that she wasn’t my type. I liked the idea of being with her, but the idea was too two-dimmensional.
Now things are different, but still not going to be going anywhere for a while I suspect. And not because I can’t ask, because this time I want to.
15 Paul D on Sat, Oct 8th 2005 10:46 pm
Dude.
Don’t think about it so much. That’s a huge problem for some people I know (including one you know very well). You can’t decide if the girl you’re going to ask out has potential to be your future wife before you’ve dated her. Trying to do that will just lead to failure.
You need to get out there, get your feet wet, etc.
16 Aaron on Sat, Oct 8th 2005 10:53 pm
I understand that, but I think I can predict if we’ll get along or not. This previous girl wouldn’t even talk to me, so that was pretty obvious. I just couldn’t let go of the idea.
If I don’t think about it, I feel like I’m just playing some lottery. Not too many people win the lottery, and even fewer hit the jackpot. Ya know? (Ha. Me and my metaphors…)
17 Paul D on Sun, Oct 9th 2005 12:10 pm
Allright, for my final trick, let me quote Wayne Gretzky:
You miss every shot you don’t take.
18 Aurora on Sat, Dec 17th 2005 9:51 am
Clearly this thread has lost some of its direct relevance, but if it’s one of the most popular threads on your site, then apparently it has more relevance to others (or at least piques their curiosity! :-)) Which is why I can’t resist hopping in and adding my two cents’ worth on a subject that is very near and dear to my heart.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with analyzing a relationship before you’ve had it, and making up your mind as to whether or not it’s "just a crush" or something you wish to act on. Those people who feel that that’s not possible, or means you are "missing out" on something, are probably right—for themselves, but not for you.
You see, they’re operating under a false premise. The premise is that "you can’t know what someone is really like until you date them". WRONG ANSWER!!!!!!!!!
You’re probably FAR less likely to find out what someone’s "really like" through dating them, at least initially! Dating is a frustrating, artificial construct wherein the framework is IMMEDIATELY fraught with sexual tension and the fear of rejection. Are YOU likely to show "the real you" in those circumstances? Is ANYONE???
I don’t think so.
What you’ll find out is whether or not you, or your date, are capable of performing in a situation full of subtext. If you’re good at it, and they are too, then you may also find out some of the things you have in common—favorite music, food, movies, etc. You’ll also find out whether or not they can put their best foot forward for a couple of hours. Wowee. What a find! ;-)
You’re more likely to find out who someone is, in a less threatening context…where the fear of rejection isn’t hanging over anyone’s head. Wanna know what kind of person someone is? Watch how they treat people they don’t care for, aren’t interested in, feel casual about. If the relationship lasts—you’re going to fit into one of those categories at some point…you won’t always be the focus of their attention! If you’re on a date, how do they treat the waiter, the usher at a movie theatre, the person who accidentally shoves them, or spills something on them? That’s far more of the "real person”, if you know them long enough—and that’s the person you want to know about! (Oh, that’s not ALL of the "real person"—but it’s an important part of them…because we all tend to treat the people we love the most, the worst…so knowing what "the worst" is, is a good idea, as far as I’m concerned! ;-))
Figuring out relationships is easy, if you’ve an analytical mind. Look around you! There are relationships EVERYWHERE! Watch ‘em. Figure out what works, and what doesn’t! If you watch them closely enough, then you begin to realize that the majority of romantic relationships are highly unstable, and rather destructive…and the reason, it seems to me, is two-fold: first, people are simply not willing to put in the solid, back-breaking hard work it takes to MAKE a relationship work past the first flush of infatuation, and second, people are just not really thinking about whether or not the person they’re getting involved with is really someone they’re compatible with, in the long run.
Their dating life becomes a series of hit or miss encounters…and they espouse the idea of "you’ll never know until you try", to justify their lack of judgment. It’s just plain daft, in my opinion…and it means they spend a great deal of time and energy on bad relationships. Then they have the joy of the carnage that comes afterwards. Either they’re hurt, or they hurt someone else. Ugly things are said. Self-esteem is damaged. Friends are dragged into misery. Depending on the age of the parties involved, a great deal of bad poetry may be written. ;-)
Think of what people would be spared, if they spent all that time stepping back and observing relationships, then learning from what they’ve observed. Not just romantic, but ALL relationships. Suppose they funneled their energy into forging solid friendships with the opposite sex…and enjoyed what I think of as "the sparklies" (that glorious time when you meet someone with whom you have a few, important things in common, and you assume you have everything else in common, and the world is a magical, sparkly place, for a short time), without mistaking the sparklies for compatibility!
I can tell you what they’d have…because that’s the path I’ve always pursued, refusing to get involved with a relationship until I was 25… They’d have a string of solid, enjoyable friendships with both sexes. They’d have someone to flirt with, when they felt flirty, someone to cuddle with when watching movies and hold hands with, when they felt like it…because if you don’t equate those things with sex—but rather with friendship—then you can have them with like-minded friends. And yes, you can enjoy the delicious ups and downs of crushes galore, all without creating a pattern of bad relationships, without hurting anyone else….
And in the process, you learn a whole lot about how to make romance work, when it finds you…as well as what YOU are most compatible with.
For me—I know I must feel a deep connection in the following areas: mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical.
Mental is easy. The world is full of quirky, clever, fascinating people—and they make great friends—and great crushes! :-)
Emotional is a bit more difficult…it can be hard to find someone operating at, or near the level of emotional development I’m at, at any given moment…although it’s certainly been easier, as I’ve gotten older! ;-)
Spiritual…is all about values, and the way a person wants to live their life…people I’m compatible with spiritually, and emotionally, who are also smart, don’t exactly grow on trees!
Physical? Piece of cake! You can feel that with someone you don’t even really LIKE…but if the other pieces are there—then the person could look like the Elephant Man, and I’d find them sexy…so I pretty much ignore this one. ;-)
If you’re putting as much thought into this whole process as it sounds, then you probably have a similar list of some sort, whether you’ve thought of it that way or not…and frankly, I think it’s a GREAT way to pursue the romantic side of your life…and it makes every relationship you DO pursue—incredibly special—even if it doesn’t work out. (It’s unlikely you’ll get everything right every time, even if you’re considerably narrowing the odds, by thinking things through more, before jumping in! :-))
I’m 38. I’ve had plenty of guys hit on me or ask me out, all of whom I thanked nicely, and turned down. I’ve had many, many, many lovely crushes, which I giddied and agonized over, knowing full well I didn’t want to go further than "love from afar". I’ve experienced more deep, fulfilling friendships than any one person has a right to. And I’ve given the sum of my other experiences and my full attention to three romantic relationships, over the years…and each one has been better than the last.
Is this what everyone wants, how everyone should manage their love life? Nope. Nor should it be. They’re not me. I’m not sure that everyone is even capable of being that analytical about relationships, and making such informed decisions, anymore than I’m capable of understanding imaginary numbers for more than a few minutes at a time. But I DO know that it works for me—and that I’d be foolish to follow well-meaning advice from people who don’t haven’t tried my way of doing things, and possibly aren’t even capable of it—the ones who say I’m "too picky" and need to date a lot of people to know what I like…and I think you would be, as well.
But I think you may have already found this out for yourself, at this point! :-)